Archive | August, 2012

Something about teaching

29 Aug

So, I’ve been student teaching for three whole days now.  I haven’t even led a class.  I’ve only given placement tests and observed students.  But there’s just something about being a teacher.  The students just look at me like a superhero.  You can see the respect in their eyes.  And I think it’s even more special in the field of special education.  We’ll get the students who have been given up on in traditional school the students who are just expected to fall behind.  They hate school, but yet I think they seem to look forward to coming to the Resource class. This is a class where they are at the same level as other students, where they are expected to learn and succeed.  They confide in us.  It’s just so awesome.  I am so excited to be teaching.  I am so excited to inspire and be inspired.  I am so excited to touch the lives of kids and be touched by these kids.

I have students with IQs in the 60s, I have students on the autism spectrum, I have students with ADHD, I have students with learning disabilities.  I have all types of students, and I am already blessed by each of them.

And the King will answer them “Truly I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to Me. ~Matthew 25:40

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I’m at the point of my breaking.

26 Aug

Today, I had a wonderful time at church. Worship was amazing and my heart was overflowing.  I loved serving the first timers, I loved celebrating the one year anniversary of our campus.  

But then, I got home and it’s amazing how quickly things can change.  Suddenly, the pressure hit me.  The pressure of tomorrow and the first day of student teaching with students actually being there.  The realization of how lonely and stressful and busy this semester is going to be.  And how much I hate being single and wishing I had someone there to hold me and comfort me and just let me know I could make it  And honestly, I was mad at God.  I was mad that I have this deep longing that He has yet to fulfill, mad that I have such a small community that I don’t even really feel close to in Raleigh and that I just don’t know how to go about finding deeper community.  Mad that I feel abandoned.

But then, as I was praying and crying and pouring my heart out to God, I begged to be held.  And while I wasnt physically held, I felt a calm.  It was like God was saying patience, Kalin.  Like he was telling me that I am never abandoned.  Reminding me of what JD talked about at church today, when all I have to do is LOOK.

Turn to Me and be saved, all the ends of the earth; For I am God, and there is no other. -Isaiah 45>22

 

 Look upon Jesus.  Look upon my Savior.  Remember He DIED for me.  That I am an undeserving, awful sinner who was saved by God’s love and mercy and transformed into being holy.  

God is so big that I can’t see His plans.  That right now, life may suck.  Right now, I am struggling to hang on.  But this struggle is a blessing because God is using it in His plan for His glory and my good.  Sometimes, I forget that. But ultimately, God is in control.

Nerves

25 Aug

I think I’m at that point where I have to let go of control.

I don’t think I’m a controlling person, at all.  But I do like to know what’s going on, I like to have a plan for everything.  And now, that’s just not happening. And I’m scared.

Monday begins the first day of student teaching with students actually being at the school. And I’m terrified.  I’m terrified because it’s sinking in that this is for real.  That from now until December, every thing I do at that school is going to be under a microscope.  If I’m not proficient in every area, this past year of grad school has been wasted.  And after I finish, who knows what comes next? Will I find a job teaching in Raleigh? Will I move somewhere else?  

I know over and over again in the Bible, it says not to worry.  You know, Matthew 6:25-34 says not to be anxious, God’s going to take care of me.  What can worrying do? Luke 12:25 says “who by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” I know it does nothing but make me want to cry, stress me out, and bring me to the point of breaking.  Yet, it’s human nature.  Human nature not to trust God because we are by nature, sinners.  We don’t naturally have that faith.  But as believers, we should know, that just as God feeds the birds, he will take care of us, men and women created in His image.  

So while I’m sitting here worrying about a job, and where to move and who I’m going to marry and this and that, the list could go on, I’m wasting precious time.  Time that God has given me to live out His mission for the world.  And when my life is following God’s will, that is when I will find joy, that is when the worry will fade.  So tonight, and through this semester, and throughout my life, I will rest in the arms of my Savior, my God, my Father.  And I will pray this song that we sing in church… “Give me faith to trust what You say, that You’re good and Your love is great… I may be weak, but Your Spirit’s strong in me, my flesh may fail, but my God, you never will.”

When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. -Psalm 56:3