I’m at the point of my breaking.

26 Aug

Today, I had a wonderful time at church. Worship was amazing and my heart was overflowing.  I loved serving the first timers, I loved celebrating the one year anniversary of our campus.  

But then, I got home and it’s amazing how quickly things can change.  Suddenly, the pressure hit me.  The pressure of tomorrow and the first day of student teaching with students actually being there.  The realization of how lonely and stressful and busy this semester is going to be.  And how much I hate being single and wishing I had someone there to hold me and comfort me and just let me know I could make it  And honestly, I was mad at God.  I was mad that I have this deep longing that He has yet to fulfill, mad that I have such a small community that I don’t even really feel close to in Raleigh and that I just don’t know how to go about finding deeper community.  Mad that I feel abandoned.

But then, as I was praying and crying and pouring my heart out to God, I begged to be held.  And while I wasnt physically held, I felt a calm.  It was like God was saying patience, Kalin.  Like he was telling me that I am never abandoned.  Reminding me of what JD talked about at church today, when all I have to do is LOOK.

Turn to Me and be saved, all the ends of the earth; For I am God, and there is no other. -Isaiah 45>22


 Look upon Jesus.  Look upon my Savior.  Remember He DIED for me.  That I am an undeserving, awful sinner who was saved by God’s love and mercy and transformed into being holy.  

God is so big that I can’t see His plans.  That right now, life may suck.  Right now, I am struggling to hang on.  But this struggle is a blessing because God is using it in His plan for His glory and my good.  Sometimes, I forget that. But ultimately, God is in control.


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