Tag Archives: faith

I’m at the point of my breaking.

26 Aug

Today, I had a wonderful time at church. Worship was amazing and my heart was overflowing.  I loved serving the first timers, I loved celebrating the one year anniversary of our campus.  

But then, I got home and it’s amazing how quickly things can change.  Suddenly, the pressure hit me.  The pressure of tomorrow and the first day of student teaching with students actually being there.  The realization of how lonely and stressful and busy this semester is going to be.  And how much I hate being single and wishing I had someone there to hold me and comfort me and just let me know I could make it  And honestly, I was mad at God.  I was mad that I have this deep longing that He has yet to fulfill, mad that I have such a small community that I don’t even really feel close to in Raleigh and that I just don’t know how to go about finding deeper community.  Mad that I feel abandoned.

But then, as I was praying and crying and pouring my heart out to God, I begged to be held.  And while I wasnt physically held, I felt a calm.  It was like God was saying patience, Kalin.  Like he was telling me that I am never abandoned.  Reminding me of what JD talked about at church today, when all I have to do is LOOK.

Turn to Me and be saved, all the ends of the earth; For I am God, and there is no other. -Isaiah 45>22

 

 Look upon Jesus.  Look upon my Savior.  Remember He DIED for me.  That I am an undeserving, awful sinner who was saved by God’s love and mercy and transformed into being holy.  

God is so big that I can’t see His plans.  That right now, life may suck.  Right now, I am struggling to hang on.  But this struggle is a blessing because God is using it in His plan for His glory and my good.  Sometimes, I forget that. But ultimately, God is in control.

Nerves

25 Aug

I think I’m at that point where I have to let go of control.

I don’t think I’m a controlling person, at all.  But I do like to know what’s going on, I like to have a plan for everything.  And now, that’s just not happening. And I’m scared.

Monday begins the first day of student teaching with students actually being at the school. And I’m terrified.  I’m terrified because it’s sinking in that this is for real.  That from now until December, every thing I do at that school is going to be under a microscope.  If I’m not proficient in every area, this past year of grad school has been wasted.  And after I finish, who knows what comes next? Will I find a job teaching in Raleigh? Will I move somewhere else?  

I know over and over again in the Bible, it says not to worry.  You know, Matthew 6:25-34 says not to be anxious, God’s going to take care of me.  What can worrying do? Luke 12:25 says “who by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” I know it does nothing but make me want to cry, stress me out, and bring me to the point of breaking.  Yet, it’s human nature.  Human nature not to trust God because we are by nature, sinners.  We don’t naturally have that faith.  But as believers, we should know, that just as God feeds the birds, he will take care of us, men and women created in His image.  

So while I’m sitting here worrying about a job, and where to move and who I’m going to marry and this and that, the list could go on, I’m wasting precious time.  Time that God has given me to live out His mission for the world.  And when my life is following God’s will, that is when I will find joy, that is when the worry will fade.  So tonight, and through this semester, and throughout my life, I will rest in the arms of my Savior, my God, my Father.  And I will pray this song that we sing in church… “Give me faith to trust what You say, that You’re good and Your love is great… I may be weak, but Your Spirit’s strong in me, my flesh may fail, but my God, you never will.”

When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. -Psalm 56:3

My baptism!

13 Apr

Saturday night, I was finally baptized.  Growing up in a church, I always knew what baptism meant. I knew that it was an important step.  I just kept putting it off. Before going to the Summit. the churches I attended required registering for getting baptized, or something similar.  At Summit, it was different.  So, for the past year, I’ve felt this urge every time they’ve done baptisms.  Very clearly the Holy Spirit telling me it was time. I almost got up at Church at the Ballpark to go down front.  But I didn’t, mainly because I knew my parents wanted to be thereI’ve been going to the Cary campus since it opened.  I got involved in a small group, and felt a sense of community at church I hadn’t felt in a long time.  This led me to begin serving on the First Time Guests team.   I knew when they were going to be doing baptisms, but I found reasons not to get baptized.  Never told my parents, so that was always the biggest excuse.

The week before Easter, I was going through a really rough time.  At church on the Sunday before Easter, during worship, I couldn’t hold it together. I was crying from the hurt.  But in those moments, I felt more accepted than I ever had as the smiling cheerful person I usually am, people were legitimately concerned.  People I barely know. And that was the moment I knew.  The next week, I told my parents I was getting baptized.  Upset that I was going to be in Burlington on Easter Sunday and therefore not able to be baptized at the Cary campus, but knowing that I shouldn’t put it off any longer, I knew Saturday was the night to finally get baptized.  My parents came, my sisters came, two of my best friends came.  They all took time out of their busy schedules to celebrate this with me.  I was so excited waiting I could barely stand.  So many people I had never met congratulated me.  I guess the wet hair was a giveaway.  I felt like a part of a family in amazing ways, and I couldn’t stop smiling for hours after my baptism. It was certainly a time for celebration.

Thanks, Summit Church, for making me feel so loved, not only Saturday, but every minute I spend with any one of you.

And as they were going along the road they came to some water, and the eunuch said, “See, here is water! What prevents me from being baptized?” (Acts 8:36 ESV)

I should be asleep

6 Mar

My mind is racing. I can’t stop thinking of that discussion.  I  keep thinking of all the words I wish I had said. And then I think of the words from another article, An Apology from a Man. and the line “your only obligation is to believe the truth about yourself.”  So, here’s to the man that will one day realize my Truth the way I am longing for.

I’m sorry society has made me feel like I need to compromise the values I have held since I was a little girl.  I’m doing my best not to compromise, but it is oh so difficult.  With all the messages out there screaming that no man will ever want me if I say no, it’s hard not to believe those lies. It’s hard to remember I am in this world, not of it, and the man I was made as an ezer kenegdo will also be in and not of the world, so he will not hold society’s values. I’m sure you’re struggling with the lies of society and with desires that conflict with what you believe. And I will do my best, when the time comes, to help you with those struggles. I’m sorry for believing society’s lie that if I don’t have a boyfriend something must be wrong with me.  I’m doing my best to wait for you, until you are ready to pursue me, and not feed the lie that I have to date.  I’ve never been the kind of girl who is able to go out and meet guys and have a different date every night.  I’ve spent countless nights alone instead of out with a guy who wanted to date me because I am trying to guard my heart so I don’t bring anymore emotional damage into my life, so I can love you with every ounce of my heart, until you come second in my life only to God Himself.  When I am asked by family members where my boyfriend is, I will do my best to remember you are out there.  That I am not going to end up the Old Maid.  And I am going to stop listening to society’s lies to me. I am going to secure myself in the Word of God so that when I am in situations that challenge me, I will be able to remember the promises God has placed in my heart.

You are going to be worth all the pain. All the tears I cry in bed, as a cry out to God to help me understand why I am still waiting.  I know God’s got a different timetable for my life than I do, and His is better than mine. Part of God’s greatness is this mystery.

From the time that I was a little girl, I have understood that I was created to be a help-meet. I don’t think I understood what that was at the time, but I certainly knew I wasn’t meant to live alone. I wish you could see your worth. I wish you believed in yourself the way I believe in you.  I wish I was able to encourage you with that now.  But you had better believe that once we are together, I will show you that the past has made you a stronger man, and that you will be fine as a boyfriend, as a husband.

This time alone is hard. So very hard.  But I believe it will be worth it. I believe God is preparing us for each other.  It is so hard to wait patiently.  It is so hard to see God’s will in this time of pain.  I’m only 22, and the average age of marriage is getting older.  I know all this. But I also know the aches, I also know the loneliness. I know you won’t fix that.  Lonely single people become lonely married people because they don’t let God fill them the way only God can.  But I also know there is a desire in my heart that is not a bad thing, as long as I don’t idolize it. And I believe God’s promise to me, “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I believe God is faithful to His promises. So I will wait. I will prayerfully wait for you.

I am going to live my life to the fullest.  I am going to finish grad school, find a job teaching, and serve God with every part of me.  When we are both ready, you’ll show up, man up, and pursue me the way I was meant to be pursued.  I don’t need you. But I want you. You are worthy. I can’t wait to show you that, to serve you, and with you in this world for the Kingdom.

Blessed are those who wait on the Lord… but waiting sure isn’t easy.

27 Feb

So often, I’m told I have the gift of patience.  I mean, I want to teach special education, I work at a children’s museum, I worked at a camp for kids with autism.  And I love all of those things.  So I see where people can think that I am patient.  But I guess that is a different kind of patience from the patience required to wait on the Lord.  

I feel like I am in a waiting period of life right now. Waiting for so many things I want, that I believe God wants to give me.  I pray about them so often, and every time, recently, I have been reminded of verses telling me to wait on the Lord.  Like the Song of Solomon verse “Do not arouse or awaken love until the time is right.” Or the verse “wait on the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord.” Or, the verse currently written on my closet mirror, Isaiah 30:18.  

Waiting is so hard.  I don’t want to wait.  And I have recently become convicted that my problem with waiting on God is a trust problem. I believe God is powerful, but I don’t believe that my concerns are also His concerns.  I don’t believe they are worth the time of God who created the universe.  I mean, it’s just a little heartache.  It’s just a guy I really like.  It’s just finding a job… There are far bigger problems that God needs to focus on.  And that’s where I’m wrong.  God CARES that I am hurting. God cares that I have these desires.  God isn’t going to break His promise of  “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  God LONGS to bless me.  To bless every single one of his people. And that is amazing.  To know I am worth it.  To know that I don’t have to be upset because I feel like God is making me wait too long.  God’s time isn’t the same as mine.  I thought I’d have a clue as to where I was going in life.  Turns out, God’s in control.  Times of waiting aren’t meant to be painful and to test patience. Times of waiting are to make sure I’m truly following God’s will, not mine.  Times of waiting are to prepare me.  Times of waiting are blessings.  I don’t have to worry about waiting periods.  God IS faithful.  God loves far more than I could ever understand.  Take comfort in these waiting periods and blessings will come.

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you,

He rises to show you compassion.

For the LORD is a God of justice,

Blessed are all who wait for Him.

 

Loneliness

24 Feb

I’ve always loved being surrounded by friends.  Not that I don’t appreciate time alone as well, but knowing that I can get to a friend quickly has been something I have always enjoyed and appreciated. It was something I took for granted through college. Living in the same dorm for 4 years, having the same roommate, and my closest friends staying in that dorm too were all wonderful things I definitely am realizing that I took for granted.  Now I have roommates, and while I like them, we’re not close.  My closest friends live 30 minutes away, if traffic is good. I like the people I work with, but I’m not super close to them either.  I’ve met awesome people at church, but they are people that I only see once a week for a few minutes before the service.

Being in Raleigh, working so much and being kept busy by school is something that has kept me from really developing any close relationships.  I spend lots of nights lonely and wishing I was better at making friends.  And when I see friends I feel even lonelier after they leave because I am reminded of how far away they live.  When I am upset, I can’t run down the hall to get a hug.  It’s tough.

So my solution has become to pray.  And while I still get lonely, I have grown so much closer to God. I am reminded I’m not alone.  While I can’t literally get a hug, I can get hope that is eternal.  I hate being lonely.  But at least I’m never alone.

Out of control

4 Dec

I was taking a break from writing my final paper, reading Captivating, and knew I needed to write this down so I would not forget. Now, I am pretty sure this is the third time in the past year I have read this book, and I am continually learning new things, each time I read it, mostly because of where I am in my life.  Which make me realize how far I have come in the past year, and also which reveals how much God has to reveal to me, his mystery is so great, and I will continually have more to learn from him.  Tonight, I found this point particularly relevant.

Men, just when we need them to come through for us… check out.  They disappear, go silent and passive. “He won’t talk to me” is many a woman’s lament.  They won’t fight for us.

And women? We tend to be grasping, reaching, controlling. We are so often enchanted, like Eve, so easily falling prey to the lies of our enemy.  Having forfeited our confidence in God, we believe that in order to have the life we want, we must take matters into our own hands. And we end up with an emptiness nothing seems able to fill.

Now, when I first read this book, it was shortly after a break-up, in fact, I got Captivating as a Christmas gift from a dear friend who believed that I could greatly benefit from this book in light of the break-up.  So, I have highlighted the words about men.  True, men will always let women down.  Just as women will always let men down.  No man can fill a woman, no woman can fill a man, and if we go into a relationship thinking that is true, well, then, we’re headed straight for disappointment.  Eve ate the apple first, but Adam didn’t try to stop her. Adam didn’t fight for her, when so desperately, women want a man to fight for her. We want to feel like we are worth it.  We can be told that all the time, but until someone shows us, it’s almost unbelievable, at least for me.  And see, what God showed me first reading this last Christmas was that he believes I am worth it.  Why else would Christmas exist? If I wasn’t worth it, Jesus never would have been born.  God is constantly fighting Satan and the world for my heart.  Sometimes, at the end of the day, I let the world slip ahead, but I know God is fighting, and for that, I have hope.  Every woman is worth it. God fights for me.  So, while I may still want a man to fight for me and win my heart in marriage, I know my heart has been won by God when Jesus died for it.

Tonight, however, something totally different was spoken to me.  I can see, at least most recently in life, I have tried to control relationships.  I have done everything I could think of to try to get what I wanted.  It didn’t work the way I had hoped, but it turns out, God knows what my heart really desires and he has the best in store for me.  I don’t have to try to control people, try to make them feel guilty so I could get what I want.  I was taking things into my own hands because it was me telling God that he really didn’t know what I wanted or needed.  I was taking things into my hands, when really God was saying “wait, I know what is best for you. I have the best in store for you, something far beyond what you can imagine, it’s just not time yet.” I’m not ready, I’ve got to wait, and when the time comes, “God is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20). He’s at work in my life, he’s preparing me for the best.  I have to let go in order to let God take over.  I am a control-freak, and I am learning more and more how hard it is to truly surrender control.  I wasn’t created to control, I was created for so much more than I could accomplish if I was in control.  Give up. Let God take over.

I strongly recommend Captivating to every woman.